The Role of Relationship Counseling in Mental Health

In the therapeutic journey, we often find ourselves sailing through choppy waters when a client brings up their relationships—whether with a partner—or partners, family members, friends, colleagues, or even acquaintances. It’s natural for clients to share their frustrations, grievances, and concerns about these connections. As therapists, it’s our job to navigate these conversations carefully. There’s a fine line between supporting our clients and unintentionally steering them away from their relationships.

Navigating Relationship Issues in Therapy

The Challenges of Navigating Relationship Conversations

Imagine you’re the captain of a ship, with your client as the first mate. Together, you’re exploring the vast ocean of their inner world, navigating through stormy weather and calm seas alike. The horizon is wide, filled with both promise and peril. The sea can be unforgiving, with sudden squalls and treacherous currents that threaten to pull the ship off course. Now, suppose an issue with a significant relationship arises—a storm brews on the horizon. You see dark clouds forming, and the wind begins to howl. How do you help your client navigate through it without sinking the ship or veering off course?

The Danger of Attacking the Relationship

It can be tempting to side with your client, especially when they’re expressing pain or frustration about their partner, family member, friend, or coworker. After all, you’re in the room to support them, right? But here’s where the waters get treacherous. If we, as therapists, start attacking the other person—whether by belittling them, downplaying their role, or outright siding with the client—we risk capsizing the entire relationship.

The Importance of Psychoeducation in Therapy

Providing Clients with Psychoeducation

Imagine the ship now, caught in a fierce storm. The waves crash against the hull, and the client looks to you, the captain, for guidance. If you, in your role, start steering the ship toward the rocky shore—perhaps by overly agreeing with the client’s negative perspective or encouraging a hasty retreat from the relationship—the ship is in danger of being dashed against the rocks. Each negative comment or biased opinion becomes a cannonball fired at the ship, weakening its structure and making it more likely to break apart.

When we attack the other person, even subtly, we’re not just providing a supportive ear—we’re actively shaping the client’s perceptions and decisions. This could lead to the client feeling justified in disengaging from the relationship or making hasty decisions that they might later regret. The ship, once a vessel of exploration and understanding, risks being sunk by the very guidance meant to protect it.

Using the Gottman Method in Relationship Counseling

Recognizing the Four Horsemen in Relationships

The Gottman Method, a well-respected approach in couples therapy, provides a wealth of tools that can be integrated into individual therapy sessions when discussing relationship issues. These tools are adaptable to various relationship types, whether romantic, familial, platonic, or professional.

1. Recognizing the Four Horsemen: The Gottman Method identifies four negative communication patterns that often predict relationship breakdown: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. When these arise in conversation, help the client recognize these behaviors and understand their impact on the relationship. Then, guide them towards more constructive alternatives, such as expressing their needs using “I” statements rather than criticizing the other person.

2. Building Fondness and Admiration in Relationships: Encourage clients to reflect on what they appreciate about the other person, whether it’s a partner, parent, friend, or coworker. This exercise can help balance the negativity that often surfaces in therapy and remind the client of the strengths in their relationship. Building a sense of fondness and admiration can be a powerful antidote to the challenges they face in any type of relationship.

3. Enhancing Emotional Intelligence in Therapy: The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of understanding and managing emotions in relationships. Through this lens, help your client explore their emotional responses to the other person and the underlying needs those emotions represent. This can lead to more meaningful and less reactive interactions within their relationships.

Best Practices for Navigating Relationship Conversations in Therapy

How to Guide Clients Through Relationship Conflicts

So, how do we handle these conversations without causing more harm than good? The key lies in maintaining balance—much like steering a ship through a storm.

1. Empathy Without Judgment: Acknowledge your client’s feelings and validate their experiences without passing judgment on the other person. For example, instead of saying, “It sounds like your friend doesn’t value your friendship,” you might say, “It sounds like you’re feeling unappreciated in your friendship. Can we explore what’s contributing to those feelings?”

2. Focus on the Client’s Experience: Keep the conversation centered on the client’s feelings and experiences rather than the actions of the other person. This approach helps clients gain insight into their own responses and needs without placing blame solely on the other person.

3. Encourage Self-Reflection: Guide your client to reflect on their own role in the relationship dynamics. This can help them see the bigger picture and identify areas where they might have influence or control, rather than feeling like a victim of the other person’s behavior.

4. Provide Tools, Not Answers: Offer tools and strategies that the client can use to improve communication, set boundaries, or navigate conflicts within the relationship. Rather than suggesting what the client should do, empower them to make their own decisions based on a deeper understanding of the situation.

5. Maintain Neutrality in Therapy: Remember that your role is to be a neutral party. This doesn’t mean being indifferent but rather offering a balanced perspective that allows the client to explore all sides of the situation, whether they are dealing with a romantic partner, family member, friend, or coworker.

The Dangers of Navigating the Ship: When Advice Can Backfire

As therapists, it’s easy to feel the urge to steer the ship when our clients are caught in the stormy seas of relationship turmoil. Sometimes, clients look to us for direct advice, hoping we can provide the exact course to take. However, this is where the waters get especially treacherous.

Imagine, for a moment, that in your eagerness to help, you take the helm and start navigating the ship for your client. Perhaps you suggest they end a relationship or confront someone in a particular way. At first, it might feel like you’re helping them avoid the jagged rocks ahead. But what if your advice doesn’t work out as planned? The ship might end up running aground—or worse, sinking entirely.

In real terms, when we offer specific advice on what a client should do—such as ending a relationship or taking a confrontational stance—it can lead to unintended consequences. If things go awry, the client might feel betrayed or even blame you for the outcome. They might say, “You told me to do this, and now everything is worse!” This is the equivalent of the ship’s crew turning against the captain, accusing them of poor leadership after the vessel has been damaged.

When we overstep our role by steering the ship instead of guiding it, we risk damaging the trust our clients place in us. More importantly, we take away their sense of agency—their ability to navigate their own course. Clients need to be the ones at the helm, making decisions that they own, fully understanding both the potential rewards and risks. Our role is to illuminate the path, highlight possible dangers, and empower them to choose their own direction.

In essence, the danger of navigating the ship for our clients is that it can backfire, leading to unintended negative outcomes. It’s a reminder that as therapists, our power lies not in telling clients what to do, but in guiding them to discover their own best path forward. By staying in the role of the sage rather than the siren, we ensure that clients develop the skills and confidence to steer their own ships through even the roughest seas.

The Therapist as the Wise Sage—Not the Siren

Avoiding the Temptation to Steer the Ship

Clients often see us as wise sages, trusting our guidance as they navigate their challenges. This trust is a powerful responsibility and underscores the importance of our neutrality. When we give advice or make statements about the other person, clients may take our words as ultimate truth, further emphasizing the need for careful consideration in how we frame these conversations.

Imagine now, as the storm rages, the temptation to become the siren—beckoning the client toward an emotional decision that may not serve them in the long run. The siren’s song is seductive, promising quick relief by casting the other person as the villain or encouraging a hasty exit from the relationship. But this path leads to the jagged rocks of relationship break-apart, where the ship may splinter and the relationship be irrevocably damaged.

Staying Within the Role of the Sage in Therapy

As therapists, it’s crucial to stay within the role of the sage—not the siren. The sage holds the lantern high, illuminating the path but never dictating it. The sage helps the client see the broader landscape, with all its potential hazards and safe havens, allowing them to navigate through the storm with wisdom and autonomy. By remaining neutral and focusing on empowering the client, we respect this trust and allow them to develop their own insights and solutions.

The Power of Metaphor: The Lighthouse Approach in Therapy

Using the Lighthouse Metaphor to Guide Clients

Think of yourself as a lighthouse standing tall on the rocky shores of your client’s relationship. The storm may be fierce, but your light is steady, cutting through the darkness. Your role is not to steer the ship—that’s the client’s job. Instead, you’re there to shine a light on the obstacles, illuminate the safe passages, and warn of potential dangers. The client, at the helm, uses your guidance to navigate their course, finding their own way to calmer waters.

Navigating Toxic Relationships and Domestic Violence in Therapy

Recognizing Signs of Domestic Violence and Toxic Relationships

However, there are times when the seas become especially treacherous—when indicators of domestic violence (DV), interpersonal violence (IPV), or toxic relationships emerge. In these situations, the lighthouse metaphor becomes even more crucial, as the waters are not just stormy—they are dangerously turbulent, threatening to pull the ship into a maelstrom.

1. Recognizing the Warning Signs of Abuse: When indicators of DV, IPV, or toxic dynamics are present, it’s critical to recognize these as the storm clouds gathering on the horizon. These might include signs of control, fear, physical harm, emotional manipulation, or ongoing negativity that erodes the client’s well-being. As a therapist, it’s essential to be vigilant and attuned to these warning signs, understanding that these issues require a different approach, especially considering the unique dynamics of LGBTQ+ or polyamorous relationships, as well as other non-traditional relationships.

2. Creating a Safe Harbor in Therapy: In these situations, your role shifts to creating a safe harbor for the client. Picture a safe cove, sheltered from the worst of the storm, where the client can anchor for a time, gathering strength and clarity. This means ensuring that the client feels secure enough to disclose their experiences without fear of judgment or repercussions. Safety planning becomes a priority, and it’s crucial to provide the client with resources and information about DV, IPV, and toxic relationships, helping them understand the seriousness of the situation and the impact it can have on their mental health and overall well-being.

3. Psychoeducation on Toxic Relationships: Educating the client about the characteristics of toxic environments and relationships can be transformative. Imagine shining a spotlight into the dark corners of a toxic relationship, revealing patterns of behavior that undermine their self-esteem, perpetuate a cycle of negativity, or create an atmosphere of fear and anxiety. Understanding these dynamics can empower clients to make informed decisions about how to navigate or potentially exit these relationships.

4. Balancing Empathy and Action in Therapy: While maintaining empathy, it’s vital to take appropriate action. This might involve connecting the client with DV/IPV services, offering information about legal protections, or, if necessary, involving authorities. The focus should always be on the client’s safety and well-being, guiding them through the storm with care and caution.

5. Navigating Without Steering the Client: Even in these delicate situations, it’s essential to avoid steering the client’s ship. Instead, offer them the tools and resources they need to make informed decisions about their relationship and safety. Empower them to find their own way, while ensuring they are not left to navigate these dangerous waters alone.

Helping Clients Find Their Own Way in Therapy

Empowering Clients to Navigate Relationships with Confidence

As therapists, we must be mindful of the influence we wield in our clients’ lives. Conversations about any relationship—be it romantic, familial, platonic, or professional—can be particularly delicate, and it’s crucial that we approach them with care. By avoiding the temptation to attack or belittle the other person, and instead focusing on empowering the client through psychoeducation, self-reflection, and safety planning when necessary, we help them find their own way through the challenges of their relationships, regardless of the context.

Remember, the goal is not to steer the ship for them but to equip them with the skills and insights needed to sail confidently on their own. In doing so, we honor the trust our clients place in us and support them in building healthier, more fulfilling relationships—while ensuring they remain safe in the process.

To many heroic adventures ahead,

Written by Jen Hyatt, a licensed psychotherapist at Storm Haven, Counseling & Wellness in Temecula, California. 

Want to Take This Work Even Deeper?

Navigating the Sage vs. Siren dynamic in therapy is an ongoing practice—one that requires self-awareness, skillful guidance, and a deep trust in our clients’ ability to navigate their own lives.

If you found these insights valuable and want a practical, structured way to explore real-life clinical dilemmas, check out the Mentor’s Guide for Peer Consultation: The Sage, Not the Siren Approach. This guide offers:

✨ 10 therapist dilemmas with multiple-choice responses and reasoning

✨ Rapid-fire decision traps therapists often fall into (and how to avoid them)

✨ A FAQ section on common Sage vs. Siren challenges

✨ Reflection prompts to help deepen your own clinical approach

🔗 Read the full guide here: Mentor’s Guide for Peer Consultation: The Sage, Not the Siren Approach

This guide is designed for peer consultation, supervision, and ongoing reflection—helping you refine your ability to empower, rather than direct, your clients.

Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog post is for educational and informational purposes only and should not be considered as professional mental health advice.