Shame, the Unwanted Guest at Therapy’s Dinner Table
Shame is like that one guest at a dinner party who wasn’t invited but somehow got in, is now seated at the head of the table, and is loudly critiquing everyone’s life choices. It’s insidious. It slithers into the room through secrecy, judgment, and self-loathing, whispering, “You’re not enough, and everyone knows it.”
As therapists, we see this all the time. Clients don’t just come in with anxiety, depression, or trauma; they come in carrying shame like a 50-pound emotional backpack that they’ve been too afraid to set down. And yet, when we ask them about it, they whisper the word shame like it’s Voldemort.
If shame thrives in silence, then our job is to douse it in curiosity, self-compassion, and psychological tools that help clients reclaim their humanity. Fortunately, we don’t have to reinvent the wheel—because Dr. Brené Brown, Dr. Kristin Neff, Dr. Richard Schwartz, and Dr. Russ Harris have already paved the way with their game-changing insights.
So, therapists, let’s roll up our sleeves and talk about how to help clients break up with shame and get cozy with self-compassion instead.
Shame isn’t just an uninvited guest at the dinner party—it’s the one who shows up early, overstays their welcome, and leaves you questioning all your life choices. If shame had a LinkedIn, its only skill would be ‘ruining your day.
Shame vs. Guilt: A Quick & Necessary Distinction
The Difference Between Shame and Guilt
Dr. Russ Harris, the ACT guru, gives us this distinction:
“Simplistically speaking: Guilt = I’ve DONE something bad. Shame = I AM bad.”
In other words, guilt is, “Oops, I messed up.” Shame is, “I am fundamentally unlovable and should probably move into a cave.”
Our clients often show up confusing the two, drowning in self-judgment for every mistake they’ve ever made. If we can help them separate guilt from shame, we create space for self-compassion to sneak in.
Why Shame Thrives in Secrecy, Judgment, and Silence
Dr. Brené Brown (shame researcher extraordinaire) has spent decades studying how shame spreads like toxic mold in dark, unventilated spaces. Her work tells us:
“If you put shame in a petri dish and cover it with judgment, silence, and secrecy, you’ve created the perfect environment for shame to grow until it makes its way into every corner and crevice of your life.”
Shame loves to operate like a sketchy back-alley salesman—whispering, ‘Psst, let’s keep this between us. No need to tell anyone.’ Meanwhile, self-compassion is out here with a megaphone saying, ‘Hey, you’re human! Join the club!’
Shame is basically a bad WiFi signal for human connection.
Ever had one of those days where your internet keeps cutting out, and just when you’re about to send an important email or stream a show—bam—buffering? That’s shame.
It disconnects us from ourselves and others, making it nearly impossible to reach out for support. It convinces us that we’re better off isolated, frozen in a loop of self-criticism (just like that Netflix show that refuses to load no matter how many times you refresh).
How Self-Compassion Strengthens Connection
Self-compassion, on the other hand, is like finally upgrading to fiber-optic internet. It creates a stronger, more reliable connection to ourselves and the world around us. When clients start practicing self-compassion, they “reconnect”—they’re more open to help, more forgiving of mistakes, and more willing to move forward instead of buffering in their shame cycle.
So, the next time a client says, “I just feel stuck in shame,” consider asking:
💡 “What would it look like to boost your self-compassion signal instead?”
This is why the antidote to shame isn’t more judgment or self-criticism—it’s empathy and self-compassion.
And that’s where Dr. Kristin Neff comes in.
Self-Compassion: The Ultimate Shame Slayer
Dr. Kristin Neff is the queen of self-compassion, and she lays it out simply: self-compassion has three key components:
The Three Components of Self-Compassion
1️⃣ Self-kindness (instead of self-criticism)
2️⃣ Common humanity (instead of isolation)
3️⃣ Mindfulness (instead of over-identifying with shame)
How to use this in session:
• Self-kindness reframe: Ask, “How would you talk to a close friend who was feeling this way?”
• Common humanity check-in: “You’re not the only person who struggles with this. Can we acknowledge that this is part of the human experience?”
• Mindfulness moment: Guide them to observe their shame instead of becoming it: “I’m noticing that I’m having the thought that I am a failure.”
When clients learn that self-compassion is not self-indulgence but actually a way to defuse shame’s grip, things start to shift.
Ah, self-compassion. The thing we preach to clients but mysteriously forget to apply to ourselves the moment we send a slightly awkward email.
IFS and the Exiled Parts of Shame
How Internal Family Systems (IFS) Helps Clients Work with Shame
Dr. Richard Schwartz, the creator of Internal Family Systems (IFS), reminds us that shame isn’t just a feeling—it’s an exiled part of the self.
“When we turn toward our shamed parts with curiosity rather than condemnation, we find that they are not burdens to be eliminated but exiles longing to be welcomed home.”
IFS teaches us that our clients aren’t broken—they just have parts that were forced into exile (the wounded inner child, the perfectionist, the overachiever, etc.) and need a compassionate leader to bring them home.
How to use this in session:
• Help clients unblend from their shame-based parts by saying: “I notice a part of you feels ashamed. Can we get curious about that part instead of fusing with it?”
• Dialogue with the part: “What does this part of you need?”
• Befriend, don’t banish: Shame-based parts don’t need exile—they need understanding.
ACT: Helping Clients Unhook from Shame’s Narrative
Dr. Russ Harris gives us the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) approach to shame:
• Cognitive defusion: “You are not your thoughts. You are the observer of your thoughts.”
• Values-based living: “Shame wants you to stay stuck. What’s one small action that aligns with your values despite feeling this way?”
Metaphor for clients:
• Think of shame like a pushy salesperson trying to sell you a faulty product. You don’t have to buy what it’s selling. Just because shame says you’re unworthy doesn’t make it true.
Shame is that one old Facebook friend who only pops up to remind you of something embarrassing you did in 2012. Thanks, but we’re not living there anymore.
Therapist Shame: The Quiet Shadow in the Therapy Room
The Reality of Therapist Shame
Let’s be real for a second—we, as therapists, are not immune to shame. In fact, sometimes we marinate in it.
Ever had a session where you walked out thinking:
• “I should have handled that better.”
• “Did I even help them today?”
• “What if I said the wrong thing?”
Congratulations, you’re human. And you’re not alone.
The Weight of Unrealistic Expectations
Therapists often hold themselves to impossible standards—as if we should always have the perfect intervention, the exact right words, and the ability to single-handedly save clients from the depths of their struggles. (Spoiler: We can’t. And that’s okay.)
Dr. Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion applies just as much to therapists as it does to our clients. Yet, we tend to be the first to extend compassion outward and the last to turn it inward.
A Self-Compassion Check-In for Therapists:
Steps to Combat Shame
Next time you catch yourself spiraling into “bad therapist” shame, try this:
1. Pause and name what’s happening (“I’m noticing self-doubt and shame creeping in.”)
2. Ask yourself: “If a fellow therapist came to me feeling this way, how would I respond?”
3. Remind yourself: “I am doing meaningful work, even if I don’t see immediate results.”
4. Take a moment to breathe and let go of perfectionism.
If we expect our clients to meet themselves with compassion, we have to model it in our own work. A therapist drowning in self-judgment can’t authentically guide clients toward self-acceptance.
So before you step back into the therapy room, ask yourself:
💡 Am I holding myself to a standard I would never impose on my clients?
Because the work we do is already enough—even on the days we don’t feel like it.
Bringing It All Together: Therapy That Helps Shame Wither
Key Strategies for Shame Healing
Therapy is about giving shame fewer places to hide and more opportunities for self-compassion, acceptance, and healing. Here’s how we can weave these approaches into our work:
✔ Help clients NAME their shame—shame loses power when it’s spoken out loud.
✔ Introduce self-compassion as a daily practice—not a luxury, but a necessity.
✔ Use IFS to work with shame-based parts—not against them.
✔ Use ACT to unhook clients from shame’s grip—so they can move toward what matters.
And most importantly—model self-compassion in the therapy room. If we as therapists are secretly drowning in our own shame, it seeps into our work.
If self-compassion feels weird at first, that’s okay. It’s like using your non-dominant hand—awkward, unnatural, but shockingly effective once you get the hang of it.
Shame Has Met Its Match
If shame is the uninvited guest at the dinner party, self-compassion is the friend who shows up, takes your hand, and says, “Hey, let’s get out of here.”
By using the work of Brown, Neff, Schwartz, and Harris, we can help our clients break free from the grip of shame and step into a more compassionate, authentic version of themselves.
So, therapists—let’s keep making shame feel like the unwelcome visitor that it is. Let’s give our clients the tools to talk back to their inner critics, show up for their wounded parts, and ACT their way out of shame’s trap.
And if shame ever whispers, “You’re not doing enough,” remember—
That’s just shame being shame.
Now, let’s go help our clients kick it to the curb.
Shame Intervention Cheat Sheet for Therapists
Shame is one of the most insidious emotions our clients bring into therapy—it thrives in secrecy, self-judgment, and isolation, making it difficult to name and even harder to work through. As therapists, we need tools that help clients differentiate shame from guilt, recognize shame’s impact, and build self-compassion to loosen its grip.
To support you in this work, I’ve created the Shame Intervention Cheat Sheet for Therapists, a quick-reference guide packed with practical interventions from Self-Compassion (Dr. Kristin Neff), Internal Family Systems (Dr. Richard Schwartz), and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (Dr. Russ Harris).
This guide offers:
✔ Therapeutic prompts to help clients untangle shame’s narrative
✔ Metaphors and reframes to encourage self-compassion
✔ IFS-based approaches to work with shame-based parts
✔ ACT strategies to help clients unhook from toxic self-beliefs
✔ A therapist self-compassion check-in—because let’s be real, we need it too
This handout is designed to be saved, referenced, and used in session, giving you a concise but powerful framework to help clients break free from shame’s hold.
Written by Jen Hyatt, a licensed psychotherapist at Storm Haven Counseling & Wellness in Temecula, California.
Disclaimer
This blog post is intended for informational and educational purposes only and reflects the author’s perspectives and experiences as a mental health professional. It is not a substitute for formal training, supervision, or individualized clinical guidance. Therapists are encouraged to consult their own professional resources, supervisors, or peers when applying concepts to their practice.
Inspired by the ground-breaking work of Dr. Brené Brown, Dr. Kristin Neff, Dr. Richard Schwartz, and Dr. Russ Harris.
The Nerdie Therapist 
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